Listening to music again

Yesterday I finally listened to music that wasn’t on the radio.

Let me explain why that feels like quite a step.

I associate things – music, art, places, with people and emotions – I have horrendous short and long-term memory, to sometimes a worrisome level (a leftover from the PTSD I so dearly love) so one of the ways to subconsciously remember how I felt or who I met, I seem to associate them with something else. When I hear some pieces of music I will completely and wholly feel the emotion that it’s associated with. I know everyone does this to a degree.

This means that music can be a wonderful therapy for me – I have songs that I know make me sing whether I’m a crying mess or happy anyway – or it can mean I have to leave the room when certain songs are played. When I’m really struggling, like I have been for the last few weeks, I don’t want to listen to anything, even the songs that usually give me a boost. The reasons are two-fold: I don’t want to associate the song – or even the musician – with that time and emotion, and quite frankly a lot of the time when I’m struggling all I really want to do is stay in bed, not interact with anything outside my tiny space that I know is safe, and stay there forever.

I’ve done a bit of the hiding away, but in less of a tiny space than usual – mainly just staying in the house – over the last little while. I’ve been at my parents house, and with my Christmas family in mid-Wales, both of which are ‘safe’ (in this situation anyway) and I’ve not done much interacted with the real world outside – and it’s taken a fair bit of psyching up and felt like a huge achievement when I did.  The thought of interacting with anyone, dealing with the possibility someone will say something that makes me cry – I’m not a pretty cryer, and pretty self conscious which doesn’t help – is at times paralyzing. The thought of being so isolated from the outside world is mainly a relief,  not often a stress inducer, but especially since I have such a connection with this virtual world – I can still talk to friends, see what they’re up to, and (mostly) do my job – it really feels like a great thing most of the time. But that is then counteracted with the opposite sometimes – I need to be around people, not even people I know sometimes, but with that ‘real’ world in some way. It’s really quite hard work.

But yesterday; yesterday I listened to some music, and I went to the Post Office. That felt like a step in the right direction maybe.

I’ve not got to being able to listen to her yet, but one of my absolute favourite musicians to listen to is Yvonne Lyon. I first saw her at Greenbelt about 3 years ago – I’ve never had such a strong positive reaction to hearing a musician before, and I think she’s fabulous. I have two of her albums so far, and really wish she would play further south! Here are some of my favourites – her name is a link to her website if you want to check out anymore.

Clearout stage 1 – Buffy

I’m having a clear out – I’m not going to have the room to take everything with me to my potential new place (more on that in another post!) so I need to rehome some things.

The first of these clear outs are my Buffy books.

Most of these I just need to get rid of and am happy to rehome for the cost of postage. Some I would like some money for. I’m happy to post internationally.

Below is a list of titles – I’ve seperated them by front cover style.

If you would like any of these, please get in touch with me over Twitter (@guineverestar) or email – guineverestar at gmail dot com

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Brown Front – these are quite early I think.

Unnatural Selection – Mel Odom

The Willow Files Vol. 1 – Yvonne Navarro

Halloween Rain – Christopher Golden and Nancy Holder

Here by monsters – Cameron Dokey

The Harvest – Richie Tankersley Cusick

How I survived my summer vacation Vol. 1 – collection of short stories

Visitors – Laura Anne Gilman and Josepha Sherman (x2 – one ‘Big!’ edition)

Deep Water – Laura Anne Gilman and Josepha Sherman

Coyote Moon – John Vornholt

Purple Front with orange/brown font – later on but still very much series connected

Little Things – Rebecca Moesta

Ghoul Trouble – John Passarella

Sweet Sixteen – Scott Ciencin

Doomsday deck – Diana G. Gallagher

Red title font – later again I think

Child of the hunt – Christopher Golden and Nancy Holder

Oz Into the wild – Christopher Golden (x2)

These our actors – Ashley McConnell and Dori Koogler

Chaos Bleeds – James A Moore

Tempted Champions – Yvonne Navarro

Sins of the Father – Christopher Golden

Return to Chaos – Craig Shaw Gardner

Obsidian Fate – Diana G Gallagher

Prime Evil – Diana G Gallagher

Resurrecting Ravana – Ray Garton

White title font

Apocalypse Memories – Laura J Burns and Melinda Metz

Afterimage – Pierce Askegreen

Random

Immortal  – Christopher Golden  and Nancy Holder

Wicked Willow 3 Broken Sunrise – Yvonne Navarro

Unseen The Burning (Buffy/Angel crossover) – Nancy Holder and Jeff Mariotte

Buffy Pop Quiz – Cynthia Boris

City of Angel – novelization of series premiere – Nancy Holder

Seven Crows (Buffy/Angel crossover) – John Vornholt

Cursed (Buffy/Angel crossover) – Mel Odom

Slayer Slang, A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Lexicon – Michael Adams

BtVS Bite Me! – Nikki Stafford

BtVS Annual 2004

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These one’s I would like some moneys for – make me an offer!

SFX Special Edition 2003

The Watchers Guides – Volume 1 2 in a boxed set and 3 as an individual- In practically brand new condition, 3 had a slight spine bump, but not broken,1 and 2 are unbroken.

The Monster Book – excellect condition again, unbroken spine

The title’s with a line through are spoken for :~)

Call for Help

I know I don’t post very often – life has been busy, I’ve been trying to make Mirfield home after moving up to be with Matty 7 months ago and get the Fibre Flurry shop online and events sorted for 2013. Unfortunately doing both made each go slower than I hoped.

I’ve written several posts whilst in the shower or driving but then get distracted by something else before posting them. They were quite good actually.

I was in a car accident (Van went into the back of the car – lots of back and hip pain as I have a partially prolapsed disc :~/) about a month ago so that’s stressful, and I spent almost 3 weeks using up all my time sorting out appointments and paperwork and looking for a new car that was suitable for both me and Matty.

Then on Tuesday everything went wrong.

I’d been away down to Birmingham for some Fibre Flurry related meetings, stopped off at my Mums’ Monday night and got home Tuesday afternoon.

There followed a lovely afternoon where Matty made me lunch, we watched Big Bang Theory cuddled on the sofa then we headed to physio before I made my way to rehearsals for the panto I’ve got involved in.

I came back from rehearsal to find Matty had moved  out of the house – his clothes, dvds, plates, pans, glasses, cutlery…along with the bed that we sold my futon to make room for, his hairdryer (I gave mine away because what’s the sense in having two in a couple planning a future together) and a ton of extension cables – I’m sure there’s more.

He said he was leaving me, he’d moved out and there was no talking about it. I had no warning, no attempted conversations – instead I had a weekend away with texts ending in lots of kisses and a lovely afternoon when I came back.

So now I’m in a bit of a pickle. I was concentrating on FF, and looking for part-time jobs, and used all my savings to pay our rent and bills last month, so I don’t have any savings, or a job to pay the rent.

I want to move back to Birmingham. I have to move back to Birmingham. That’s where most of my friends are, it’s where my (Quaker) meeting is, and it’s still where FF October is based. The problem is the last paragraph, plus the cat.

I also need to be in Mirfield for a bit as it’s near the physio that’s trying to mend my back, and the dermatologist sorting out my random newly diagnosed skin condition, so I need to sort out referrals etc. I’m going to see if the physio can condense the treatments from 5 weeks into just a few – not sure that’ll do my back much good but we’ll see!

I’m currently camping out at my parents for christmas, then going to see my christmas family in Wales – and really really hoping Matty is doing what he said he would and feeding the cat. (My dad is really really allergic or she would have a home here.)

I have until the end of January to move from the house in Mirfield, and I need to find a job (preferably part-time, I can’t deal with full-time at the best of times) and somewhere to live. Somewhere that has enough room for me to run FF and keep my cat preferably. I’ve looked into the benefits side of things, but the housing money I would be entitled to because I’m under 35 is £55 a week and I’ve not found anything, never mind anything that meets what I need within that budget. The one place that might work if I was working with an income has today confirmed they’re against pets.

This is where I’m really hoping someone can help. An empty house or room, a job, even (and I am sad beyond belief to be in the situation to have to consider it) a long-term foster home for Kitty.

The internet can be a wonderful place, and I’m really hoping that you can help. The outpouring from Twitter the last few days have helped enormously. Please repost this, retweet it, do what you can, if you feel you can, to help me get back to Birmingham, to the people I love that love me. Back Home.

I am so very aware that there are people in much worse situations, especially this time of year, and I feel very mixed about putting this out there, but honestly I’m not sure what else to do.

I’m not feeling very festive, but I do hope that you all have a happy festive season, surrounded by love.

xx